Scribbling

Nige of the People

Good morning, Britain. Or should I say Great Britain, because it will be Great Britain again when I am Prime Minister, though the Establishment are determined that I shall never be PM because they hate me and they hate our country.

As you know, I have always thought that it was the right of any Englishman who became a member of parliament to get rich. And I have become very rich thanks to the many presents given to me by people who support me in my desire to Make Britain Great Again by making it a country of true-born Englishmen. Too bad for those who are not English.

I woke up one morning to find that a devoted British patriot who had chosen to live in Thailand had deposited £5m in my bank account. What can I say? It was like a Lottery win, even though I had not bought any sort of ticket in a Thai lottery. But the patriot so believes in my work that he gave me the money to do with as I wish. I am so grateful, as a chap can never have enough money when he dines often in Mayfair restaurants, which are bloody expensive, especially if you have a couple of bottles of Primat Château Angélus 2016 at €25,900 a go.

Not that I generally pay myself. Others are on hand to do so. I have many posh friends, even though I am best known as “Nige of the People”.

But the Establishment is determined to get me, and they will stop at nothing. Making money as an MP is no crime. Not that I “make money” from running a business that employs people and boosts general economic wellbeing. No, people just give me money because of who I am, the liberator of the UK from the shackles of the tyranny of Brussels. Britain may be the poorer because of Brexit, but I am so much richer.

So, I decided to confront them head-to-head. I resigned my seat in Clacton and triggered a by-election. It was to be me against the establishment. But they all refused to dance. Except for Count Binface and a few other assorted fruitcakes.

So it is me against Count Binface and some nuts. Me against the establishment. For whom could be more establishment than a Count? A member of royalty? Is Count Binface really Prince Harry in disguise, desperate to make a royal comeback? Why does he cover his face? What does he have to hide?

I have nothing to hide. I am open and transparent about the fact that I accept money from cryptocurrency chancers and people who have done time in a US jail. So my pitch to the electors of Clacton is simple: Make Farage Very Rich: Because I am Worth It. (Please attach £5 to your ballot paper. I also accept crypto.)

But I am not alone in being persecuted as a tribune of the will of the people. Look across the English Channel, that is, if you can see past all the little boats that clog up that precious stretch of water that keeps us safe from a hostile Europe and look at poor Marine. Found guilty by French courts of allegedly misusing EU funds to prop up the Front Nationale, as it was called at the time.

OK, so she and her party used EU parliamentary funds to pay for party workers in France. But what is wrong with that? Did I myself not collect my MEP’s salary and expenses for many years without doing any actual work as an MEP? While all the time campaigning for the UK to leave the EU and become a free and prosperous nation again. OK, for now, scrub the prosperous bit because we have not had a proper Brexit because I have not been in charge. But that day is coming, Binface or no Binface.

Now, poor Marine is being forced by the French Establishment to wear an electronic bracelet as she seeks to become the next French President. Knowing Marine as well as I do, we meet often at patriotic get-togethers across Europe, the bracelet will obviously be by Chanel or Dior. Definitely not something you would pick up in Monoprix.

But I fear for Marine. She is appealing her outrageous sentence to the French Supreme Court. Is there a chance she could be sentenced to spend time on Devil’s Island? Could she be the new Papillion? If so, would Meryl Streep agree to play her in the movie? Probably not. Streep is too woke. OK, I know she played Thatcher in The Iron Lady, but then Thatcher never did jail time as Le Pen is doing.

Could the French really elect a criminal as their next President? If so, there could be hope for a dodgy chancer like me to be the next UK PM, after Andy Burnham has a chance to have a go at it. Andy may be known as the “King of the North”. I’ll be known as the “King of Crypto”. Always partial to a Thai take-away.

But then, I would still only be in the half-penny place compared to The Donald. He may be increasingly senile and prone to falling asleep in meetings – let’s be honest, aren’t we all – but he still knows how to make a dollar. Let’s make that billions of dollars. The Donald is the Michael Corleone of our day. He knows how to make offers business people cannot refuse. And he has a couple of Luca Brasi characters to help him when the going gets rough.

But, back to me. What can I say? The Establishment has sent a bin to fight me in the election because they are too afraid to face a man of the people like myself. But they will quiver in their boots when I return to Westminster triumphant, re-elected on a minuscule turnout.

But late at night, after a few gin and tonics, a frightening thought haunts me. What if the turnout is so low that Binface beats me? What if he surfs to victory on a woke wave? Could this be the end of “Nige of the People”? And the end of the money pipeline.

Instead of dining in Mayfair restaurants, could I be reduced to a fag and a pint in a Wetherspoons?

It is a frightening thought. Do I know what I have done?